Finding myself in a relationship, the question of purity is something that has come across my mind more then once. There was a point in time in my life, where I was completely selfish and lived with complete disregard for those I was involved with, and also for myself. I craved the desires of my flesh. I lived for the moment. Even when I dated a Christian girl a number of years ago, I still did not think too much about “honouring” her, or approaching her as a “sister in Christ”.
Now finding myself in a serious relationship, I find that there is a huge struggle and battle between seeking to honour her and God, and seeking to please my flesh. Not even necessarily physically but mentally as well. This past weekend at our retreat we looked at Ephesians 5, and a particular verse kind of hits me, its verse 3, “But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints…” The NIV puts it, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” Not even a hint. Not be named.
I have read a number of different articles, talked to a bunch of people about what “boundaries” mean, entail, and what they should be. Yet this has been an extremely frustrating task. It tends to be with people who are married who say, “we probably went to far dating, we probably shouldn’t have done what we did…” and then leave it at that. What does that mean? What does that entail?
Part of me really rebels against the thought or idea of setting a “boundary” or physical limitation, mainly because, we have a natural tendency to want to get as close to the line or edge as we can. The thought of making a “rule” of “no kissing” seems archaic, and ridiculous, but we have come to discover, that perhaps this is the best way we can help keep the commandment to not allow “impurity” to “not even be named” between us, (much to our chagrin).
The thing that really strikes me about purity within a relationship, is that my honouring her, involves me holding back. Is that not a crazy thought? We look at movies, and tv shows, and they decide that relationships and people who decide to “wait” or hold back physically, tend to be portrayed as “prudish”, completely out of touch of the feelings of their significant other and really selfish in that they only care about their values and not about the other person.
The deeper my relationship has developed, the more completely selfish and completely conceited that whole idea is becoming to me. Even relationships that will last a year without physical intimacy, at least according to Hollywood, “proves” the devotion of the other person, and the person holding out should get over it and give in. I have noticed, that “holding out” is shown as noble at first, but then that sort of value clouds their vision and becomes a sort of “crutch”. What a lie! We look so much for intimacy and the long lasting love, but it gets so clouded by the immediate desire of our own flesh.
One statement that has been running through my head lately, was “do not arouse love until it is awakened.” (I heard it in a sermon, and found it in Song of Solomon, and I am not sure it necessarily applies, so I am unsure of the exact biblical reference, it is in Song of Solomon 8:4). This makes me really think about applying that to physical cravings, satisfying those cravings, simply need to come within the confines of a marriage relationship.
I want to fight this, I want to say this cannot be, what is wrong with showing physical expressions of “love”? The problem with it is that it, is that somewhere along the line, it has to be stopped. I would never presume to tell people where they need to draw that line. I resisted wanting to draw the line and say no kissing, but it became harder and harder to gain clarity. One of the things that we enjoy the most is spending time in prayer and reading the bible. I found that I could not participate in those types of activities when my mind was “clouded” by physical actions that just happened.
By many standards, even Christian standards, we never crossed the line. We have strived hard to maintain an open dialouge with “how far is too far”, things that happen physiologically, and mentally and this open communication has helped a great deal. If something has made either of us feel uncomfortable or we may be moving in a direction that is no longer honouring God, then we talk about it. We have also been discovering that as much as we would like to resist, making those hard “archaic” rules that perhaps this is the best thing for us to do. In the context of looking to a “forever” type of a future (I believe that relationships that do not look to that, are simply a waste of time, at any age, but thats another discussion), a year is not that long to wait.
There is more that I could write, I have not even written about other peoples thoughts, or really gone into much of other peoples perspectives, they are just my thoughts so far.
amy says:
well. you have to divide your decisions in two ways.
a) what is fitting for God
and
b) what is fitting for society
a) God calls for a lifetime commitment, for a three way union. i would say that when two people take the time and make that commitment to God (and make that commitment known to others), that is when (anything) sexual is allowable and desired by God.
b) society defines marriage differently. it is when you sign a legal paper. i would argue that two people can be married with God and never sign that legal marriage paper. a commitment to God is beyond anything written on a piece of paper. however, in your cases, you also have people looking up to you to dictate “Christian norms”. you can see in Titus 1:6-9 that leaders are called to be completely blameless and pure. so, you are right, not even kissing would cause the line to be a clear one and not what that can be swayed.
if i were bolder and more solid in God when jerome and i got married, i would have rejected societies standards and norms and accepted only what God desired. i wouldn’t have had a big wedding, or this or that. you’re right, people say “oh we probably shouldn’t have gone so far”. the past is the past, and although many people would do so much to change it, we are where we are now. i don’t see Western society, or western christian culture, changing the norms on marriage, but i do believe that in bringing the bible to other cultures that don’t have the concept of marriage, this idea of a lifelong commitment to God and to a partner would be the best and only way.
Amber says:
excelent topic David Kudos to you for writing about such an imprtant subject.
God Bless you Brother
Amber:)
Drake says:
Well said my friend, I have nothing to add to this…